Well I’ve only ever been to one and it was my uncle’s wedding. no complaints, ceremony was short but its the only church service I’ve ever been to so that’s it.
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The power team. Apparently vast amounts of sweat, tearing phone books in half, bending steel rods and blowing up hot water bottles is godly and there were several alter calls.
Then I had to see them at Jr. High the next day to preach about how bad drugs are.
Here’s an article about a visit.
OMG I had a visit in elementary school from these guys! The school was a sad fundie kid-prison, but these guys were pretty neat. Rolled up a frying pan and did the blowing up a hot water bottle thing.
I find it so weird hearing about them again lol.
IDK, power to 'em. (Lol pun) Unlike a lot of nasty political preaching, I hope these guys are just being straight-edge motivators preaching the Gospel.
The sign said, “Everybody welcome, Come in, kneel down and pray”
But when they passed around the plate at the end of it all, I didn’t have a penny to pay!
So I got me a pen and a paper, and I made up my own little sign.
I said, “Thank you, Lord, for thinking about me, I’m alive and doin’ fine”.
Woooooaaah!
I threw up in one once. I actually don’t recall anything any worse than what it usually was. I actually went further into the evangelical baptist rabbit hole as my family drifted a bit from it, but that would reverse and end with me being an atheist-leaning agnostic.
I do remember Sunday school teachers being angry that I was allowed to have D&D books and games. In a different church when I was in middle or high school, I quoted the movie name “Oh God you Devil” and my buddy whose family took me to church slapped me. That was a good time. /s
I let my college RA bring me along one weekend to a megachurch she attended. The pep rally vibe I can accept as just not my style of worship, but the order of service was short on scripture and long on homilies of questionable theology.
My grandmother’s funeral comes to mind. Some old preacher dude walks up to the podium with a legal pad, flips over a page, drops the “we’re at a funeral, act somber” body language like you’d drop a bath robe, and starts what I assume is an average Sunday sermon, occasionally remembering to point to the corpse behind him and insisting “That’s what she believed.”
He had the gall to offer his hand for me to shake.
“Heh, sure are easy when they’re stiff like this! …and very sad.” (one of the treehouse of horror episodes)
I ripped one on a pew during a Christmas eve service once
I’ve blanked a lot out of my memory but I do remember one particularly awkward time where the pastor spent way too long explaining how god designed the asshole and its not for fucking.
I’m morbidly curious about the “arguments”
How about “it’s usually got at least a little poo on it”?
I mean I know it’s not particularly effective, but if it were true of something like ice cream I bet sales would drop. (Tangentially related: https://www.pedestrian.tv/news/coogee-bay-hotel-gelato-poo-2008/)
Oh yuck
It’s always the ones you most expect
Not church per se, but my uncle blew his brains out. At the wake, the priest turned his little speech into how evil abortion is. Yes, let’s talk about killing babies… Anything not to tell about the dude who killed himself.
This is a grand example of how people in such positions, are prone to making any and every moment about something that’s been on their minds when it really shouldn’t be.
(Sorry for your loss. That must have really hurt to get the news.)
Oh my God this brought back a memory. It was probably the time my friend invited me to their church and expected me to speak in tongues. Like wouldn’t let me leave until I was filled with the spirit and speaking in tongues. It was terrifying.
Can you type out a longer, detailed play-by-play so we can eat popcorn as we read it?
It was so long ago, I remember being surprised that such a regular girl belonged to such a terrifying church, I guess if you grow up in it, it seems normal?
We arrived with her parents and sat towards the middle of the pews, there was the usual call and response and singing and a sort of sermon I don’t remember but then one by one the people in the audience started standing up and babbling. Then my friend did and their parents and the pastor was exhorting us that EVERYONE needed to submit and be filled with the spirit, EVERYONE!! Who, me? EVERYONE! I stood up and made some nonsense sounds and that seemed to satisfy them. I was congratulated and hugged and then there was some more churchy stuff not so crazy.
I mostly remember being scared, and also being so confused that this was “church” to my friend. My mom made us go to “church” and it was guys in robes and some singing, a sermon, some praying, a little more singing, a benediction (really pretty - “May the Lord bless you and keep you, may he make his face shine upon you and be gracious unto you”) and then walk out in an orderly fashion. Mostly really boring, not scary because I didn’t believe any of it.
But to her, “church” was this mass of people being crazy and babbling and the preacher yelling, and it never, like, coalesced into order, it was literally a pack of shouting mostly adults, who seemed convinced this was an essential sign that God was speaking directly through you.
The one when it was my job to carry the crackers for communion up to the alter. About a half dozen slid off the plate when I turned.
Not a church service, but I attended a church wedding.
Pastor gave a sermon as is tradition during a church wedding. Every minute or so, he somehow managed to work in “and since you are in a place of God, you should not disrespect the bride and groom or our worshippers by using your phones”.
Bitch, I’m here to support my friend who’s getting married, not your church or your worshippers. I know for a fact that my friend chose to get married in the church because it’s cheaper, not because she’s super religious. Also I’m agnostic and haven’t read the Bible, but I’m pretty sure it doesn’t say “thou shalt not use mobile phones in churches”.
I very pointedly had my phone out for his entire sermon out of spite
Imagine not being able to leave your phone in your pocket just for the duration of your friends’ wedding ceremony, irrespective of the location. Insufferable behaviour.
I’m sure your friends felt great knowing that Facebook was more important than their wedding ceremony.
If your friends didn’t care, fine I guess, it was their wedding after all. If you don’t understand why this makes you look selfish and callous though, then you’re not the kind of person I’d want at any party, let alone a wedding.
Being a kid with ADHD, all of them. Each and every service drove me to the brink of insanity. I stopped going once I was old enough to decide for myself.
When we were young and first married, my wife and I decided to try a church that we had saw online. The website and name made it seem like it would be alright and more modern thinking. We were wrong.
We pull up and the church building is a double wide trailer, a congregation of about 30 people. The preacher appears to be in his 70s.
He sees that he has guests and singles us out and puts us on the spot to introduce ourselves to whole congregation. He never refers to my wife by her name instead just calling her “Wife”. He prays for us multiple times during the service and bring us up during the sermon. (Still just referring to us as TORFdot0 and wife)
Speaking of the sermon, he begins the sermon talking about the gay democrat agenda and how the gays are ruining God’s institution of marriage and how it will soon be illegal to be married to a woman. This gets an audible sigh from the ladies in the front row.
He also preached to cherish our Bible before the black socialist devil in the white house takes them from us.
He compared the Bible to an old hound dog and started barking for going on two minutes. It’s like a dog because it warns us of things to come.
After what seems like an eternity of a sermon, he invites the kids up to the alter for some “Hallelujah” Candy (it’s the Sunday before Halloween). One child takes a second handful of candy and the elderly pastor chastises him and then bends him over his knee and starts spanking him in front of the congregation.
Needless to say we did not give that church a second visit.
Wow. A tornado needs to find its way there.
it warns us of things to come
Ezekiel 23:20
She lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose semen was like that of horses.
I don’t know why but the more I read of your story, the more the pastor turned into Baby Billy in my mind. Perfect match.
Strong baby Billy vibes agreed
Next time I’d recommend reporting them to the IRS for promoting political activity.
They likely won’t do anything. The IRS is extremely gun shy about enforcing that doctrine ever since the Church of Scientology thing.
