I know this is probably a shitposting meme. And my wife and my female friend, when I asked them, both laughed and said, “Yeah all the time.” I can’t tell if it’s sarcasm.
I asked this because Im a guy, and we’ve heard it all before. The guy plowing a warm apple pie. The ookie cookie BS. The jerk off with a sock. Dudes have done some weird things. I absolutely have found myself relieving some stress in interesting ways.
But veggies: Is this a common thing? Am I going to have to worry that my daughter, when she reaches a curious age, starts exploring with vegetables?
During puberty, should I start giving my children Amazon gift cards or no questions ask money to protect my produce?
I am aware this question is ridiculous and I am prepared to be ridiculed.
My ex was an operating room nurse. She had a few choice stories.
Dude came in with an English cucumber stuffed so far up there they needed to knock him out to remove it. It’s all slithery and soft. It was literally baked.
My ex used to love cucumber. Chow down on them all the time. Not after that.
“I slipped and fell on it…”
I’m just thinking of the little pokey things (spines?) on the cucumbers. Ouch.
Ribbed, for her pleasure.
~cats
Barbed, for everyone’s horror.
How dose cucumbers look where you live? Mostly the ones bought from the store.
Kinda like this. (Random internet image.)
The bumpy things are sharp.
Intresting, I have never seen a cucumber look like that. Closest are some types frown in home gardens but not even those have been that bumpy.
Here they look kind like this
So completely smooth and with around the same circumference as the bigger part of most carrots.
Looks kinda plasticky compared to the cucumbers I am familiar with. Also looks like it is missing the seeds! Interesting. Thanks for sharing with me!
They do have seeds but very very tiny ones.
those are pickling cucumbers here, technically also called a cucumber but you don’t really think of them as the same thing, like how raw beets are technically perfectly edible but it’s assumed you’ll pickle them.
yeah this is weird to me too, all the cucumbers i’ve seen are very smooth…
Not on the plant, the little spines have already been broken off before they get put on a store shelf.
Wait until you find out what Dragonfruit grows on.
Spoiler: cactus. And you can grow the seeds for your very own houseplant.
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female
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When your children start ordering packages, don’t open them and you’ll never have to worry about this.
I dunno, opening the package to see that it’s a dildo might give some peace of mind that they won’t be using the produce.
Now I’m wondering what would be an appropriate age to have that awkward “It’s ok if you want to play, it’s just much safer and more sanitary to use toys meant for the purpose rather than improvising with anything that is the right shape” conversation.
The best story I ever heard about this was a single dad who had to take his teenage daughter to the doctor because she got an infection from inserting a toothbrush handle or something else that wasn’t sanitary, and instead of giving her ANY kind of scolding or negative judgement, he was very loving and helped her laugh it off, and then he just left on her pillow a $100 gift card to Adam & Eve or some other large, commercial, adult site that lets you buy gift cards.
I don’t think it’s appropriate to even suggest an age here, but I think as a parent you will know when it’s time to have the talk/leave the card.
Can… can I have some.
Salad or gift cards?
Chances are, if something can be fucked or used as a dildo… somebody somewhere has done it out of horniness.
I believe hotel rooms & their contents are specifically designed around this
I still remember about 20 years ago a female friend told me that she masturbated using a bottle of Bawls energy drink (IDK if they even still make the stuff). It was a glass bottle that was bumpy all over (think of the divots on a golf ball, but inverse) and she apparently used it on her clit/vulva.
When I was a horny pre-teen boy and had no idea how to actually beat off, I discovered that rubbing a silk/nylon pillow with pictures of cats on it felt really good.
JD Vance fucked a couch.
Good deflection buddy. You shared, which is the important part. Progress.
The cats, right?
( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
Hahaha unlike my Reddit account which easily links back to me (I made it 11 years ago and didn’t heavily start using it until about 6 years ago), this has zero link to me so I have no shame.
Zappa even has a song about this very subject, from 1967.
Call any vegetable https://youtu.be/XhDXbElN1oY?si=I1GT-6SFweEeNuAO
People are missing the more important question:
Why did she put the cucumber back in the fridge?ient dirty joke. Back in the day kids you could find collections of them in printed books, and later, entire websites solely dedicated to hosting thousands of dirty jokes. They were presented in story format, often happening to your cousin’s friend.
Not saying no one had ever had this happen to them in the history of mankind. But this is also an old dirty joke that is probably more commonly repeated than acted out.
*WITHOUT WASHING IT! I mean, was she ok with it being eaten by another family member as long as it wasn’t her? That’s just as gross!
Yeah, that’s my main take away.
Not only did she put it back in the fridge in this completely fabricated story, but they did so without washing it?
Who does that?
You have to put it in lukewarm water for 30min / 1 hour too so putting it in the fridge seems counterproductive.
Well so I have heard, but it was for zucchinis (true story actually, but it was the guy explaining it, I have no idea if it was only used for stroking or penetrating or just to fool around with to lighten up the miod or something. I also recall something about peeling it but that seems wrong).
Keeps it fresh for longer for as much fun as possible.
At the dinner table, ask your mom for the recipe because it tastes so good.
I wouldn’t know first hand but there is a whole trope and many books about this.
No this is not normal… it’s not sanitary for one and nobody wants yeast infections. It also doesn’t really have a suitable structure for that, and the outside rind… I mean I cannot imagine that feels nice. It’s a meme more than anything like I know people are out there with food fetish and it definitely has been done by someone before but no this is very uncommon lol.
you put a condom on it to solve most of that
Or just like buy a toy meant for that
In this economy?
But a cucumber is multifunctional!
If you’re a teenager experimenting and you feel you have to hide it from your parents, getting an actual sex toy can be difficult. Tbh, when I was in that position it didn’t even cross my mind
Anything even remotely phallic shaped and sized has probably been used like that by someone. Depends on how horny you are, both in the moment, and as a person in general. I’m a guy, but during puberty, when I was exploring masturbation and bottoming, lemme tell you, nothing was safe from getting fucked or fucking me.
I wouldn’t be overly concerned about your produce, though. Most folks would toss it afterwards. If you notice your cucumbers or bananas going missing, then it might be cause for concern. But honestly, if your kids are at that age, and you’re genuinely concerned they’re doing something that might cause harm, the bigger concern is a lack of information about safe sex. A no questions asked Amazon gift card is one idea, but I’d recommend finding a good book or website you trust with sex Ed info, including safe solo sex practices, and an agreement that packages that come in their name aren’t to be opened by anyone else. In my experience, parents who trust their kids and don’t snoop or invade their privacy have way less to worry about from their kids than the parents who toss their rooms. My friends with the strictest parents had great hiding spots, I never even tried to find any. Didn’t need to hide anything, and as embarrassing as it would have been had I gotten a cucumber stuck up there or something, I would have been able to tell my mom and get a ride to the ER. If your kids seriously don’t trust you not to freak out, they could end up literally dying because the embarrassment would be worse than not dealing with a medical issue.
Cucumb her? I hardly know her!
