I’m older now, but basically my maternal grandparents used to have us as kids nearly every weekend over at their place. They’ve lived a five minute walk away from us, which is a big thing on the edge of downtown of a big city. My paternal grandparents used to live on the other side of the city and we saw them once or twice a year maybe.

Now that I have my own kids: the maternal great grandparents and the grandma live a five hour ride away. We visit them once a year. They never visit us. The grandpa is an idiot and zero contact.

The paternal grams (my mother) tries to visit as often as she can. Which is not a lot, because she’s anxious about overseas travel. Grandpa is dead.

Basically my children will be growing up without knowing a fun, strong grandfather figure, while I had at least one growing up. And they’ll only be seeing their grandmothers once a year each. While I had the caring and wise words of mine all the way into my young adulthood.

The image of a nuclear family for me was always siblings, parents, grandparents all the way until my father died in my twenties, and then it kinda broke apart. I cared less about my relationship with my grandparents back then, and by the time I came to my senses it was too late. Either death or dementia has taken them. I don’t plan on repeating the same mistakes with my mother, who is nearing 70 now.

it got weird cuz my grandmother was the ‘whore’ who broke up my wifes grandparents

Well, one of my grandmas died about a year ago, I don’t really talk to my other grandma, I’ve never met either of my real grandpas (my parents have never met them either) and I don’t really talk to my step-grandpas. I do go to family gatherings but I’m not really much of a talkative person, so I don’t really have much of a reason to talk to them.

I’m relatively close with one of my grandmothers. It gets in the way that she tries to be a matriarch of sorts, with a bit of distance, but I know a few things about what her life has been like anyway. It helps that stories get passed on through my parents.

One thing that’s surprisingly helpful is knowing recent history in general. For example, I never thought of her as an immigrant kid when I was growing up, and I don’t think she’d refer to herself that way, but that’s exactly what she is - just a product of the people who I now know were immigrating then, instead of the ones immigrating now.

One set of grandparents willfully and intentionally wound up as ashes in a mausoleum in Indiana. I haven’t visited.

The other set, also ashes, were spread in the Atlantic. Gramps was spread when the tide was going out, unfortunately. So he took a while.

It was going great until they all died years ago.

You need to put effort in to get to know your grandparents. I was fortunate to have one grandmother who lived to 93 and had her wits about her the whole time. My other 3 grandparents died before I graduated high school, but her I knew til I was in my 30s. I had a chance to visit her quite a few times on my own so it was just the two of us, and got to know her pretty well.

My maternal grandmother is more of a mother to me than my own mother, so very close.

All but one has passed and the one remaining is kind if rocky now that my parents have poisoned the relationship with talk of hope manipulative and toxic my partner is for enforcing such awful things like limited screen time and bathing regularly to my child.

All four are dead now, but mixed while they were alive.

Paternal grandfather had severe physical and mental problems from military service. He was basically a presence in the corner, while the family told stories of who he was long before I was born.

Paternal grandmother was a gardening and baking genius. She taught me so much. She was also worn down caring for kids, grandkids, and her husband who was wholly dependent on her for everything.

Maternal grandmother was a tough one. Raised lots of kids through poverty with a shitbag husband for many years. She coached all of us girls never to be fully dependent on a spouse. Good for a person, good for the relationship, that each partner have some independence and autonomy.

Paternal grandfather got pulled into criminal activities that destroyed the family’s financial stability. I wonder what my grandmother could have been if not leashed to that man. He wasn’t physically abusive, he just drained her soul and spirit over the decades. When I hear trad Christians like JD Vance want to get rid of no-fault divorces, I think of my grandmother stuck with her husband. She couldn’t go anywhere, all he provided was his legal identity that she worked through. She held a job, the money went into his bank account because she couldn’t have one. She paid the bills. She cared for the kids and the house. She was an involved member of the community. He was dead weight tied around her neck.

All but one of my grandparents had died before I was born, and the remaining one died when I was about 10. She was a stickler for social rules, so I found her kind of intimidating.

deleted by creator

It was fine until I grew up and realized how bitter and racist my grandmother was. Almost felt nothing when she passed.

Three died before I was born or old enough to remember. The fourth was basically no relationship once I became an adult because I am not close with extended family that has always lived half a country away from me. She died during the pan, saving me from having to disappoint my mother by skipping her funeral.

I would say I had both worlds. One set were nice and all that, but they had 6 kids so by Grandparent age they were probably tired out, LOL. But their life revolved around watching TV. So visiting was sort of a side thing because you were cutting into their shows so there was not a lot of depth. My other set of grandparents were great. They took us on random road trips exploring the country. Taught us how to play card games with betting for cash. Taught us dances from the old days. When my grandfather would sleep in his chair, his mouth would drop open. My grandmother made it a game to scrunch up small paper balls and try to toss them in his mouth. The connections they made with us as kids helped make for a open communication later in life. My grandmother and I used to write back and forth (we were separated by oceans later on) She was a good listener for when things in life were going a bit wrong.