And, should I change?
I’m 38 years old, single, not interested in starting a family (my mother was a drama queen and I couldn’t live that again with a partner or a child), don’t own any property, not really a consumerist person, I max my 401k and save 70% of my net income because most of the stuff society tells me to buy is irrelevant to me (I still own clothes I bought 20 years ago and they still fit me), don’t need a car and use a bike or public transportation, I prefer to cook at home because it’s cheaper and I can choose what I cook. I stopped drinking alcohol 10 years ago. I’m definitively not an extrovert.
I majored in philosophy because I liked it and I still do, but never found a job with my major. I tried being a high school teacher, but teenagers are way too much for me. Nursing, what I do now, is a versatile and safer job, even if I think it’s slowly killing me.
I feel cheated in life.
For 15 years I lived paycheck to paycheck paying off my debt, often having to move due to increased rent so this might be my way of coping with trauma. I still feel I’m way behind most people my age. I feel like a loser because I imagine them knowing better than me what they want in life.
It’s true that comparison is the thief of joy, but I cannot stop ruminating about this.
If you read my post history you’ll realize I don’t really care about my job, but stay because I need a paycheck and I like having a big rainy day fund. If I was a millionaire, I’d stop working. I don’t like any job.
It might be true that I’m autistic, because close human connections where never that important to me and most people I work with are not close to me, but as I’m nearing 40 I’m starting to think if my destiny is going to be to live and die alone in a nursing home. Sometimes this scares me, but I always go back to my apathetic, indifferent self, like I’m on some kind of drug that makes me not feel anything, neither good or bad, like my emotional brain is underdeveloped.
What I don’t want to be is this desperate loner craving for any kind of human attention turning to post his whole life online hoping a good Samaritan comes and saves me. First because it’s pathetic and secondly because that’s never a good foundation to build a friendship, I’d be inviting a predator, another crazy loner, a newborn Christian to save me with god, somebody trying to scam me with a MLM scheme or an antivaxer into my life. And I’m not a 20 year old discovering the world, I’m almost 40.
Every woman I’ve been attracted to has ignored me and every woman that showed an interest in me wasn’t good enough to me: she could be eager to make a connection, put an interest, even pretty and genuine but I cannot fake being in love or feeling attraction. I always ended up considering them as friends or acquaintances. I’m too old and too introverted (autistic?) to visit a club and try to impress a woman to go out with me.
I don’t think this is depression, depression would be me not going to work not even calling in sick.
It seems clear I need a friend, but I don’t know how to make friends anymore. I focused so much on surviving that I stopped caring about anyone else.
I don’t have a general answer for you, but I did want to say that you should not rule out depression as a major component of what’s going on with you. I have a genetically-based cyclic depression that’s been with me more than four decades. Despite that, I have managed to remain employed. It has sometimes been very difficult, but it is possible to remain somewhat functional even when severely depressed. I have had to change jobs a few times because of it, but I’ve been able to make a steady living.
Depression can leave you with very little energy or volition, but very little is different from none. The worse it gets, the more you have to focus on your most critical necessities, which is not pleasant, but it can keep you going. Small victories like that can actually help counteract it. I think a lot of depression is “living to fight another day”.
If you do have depression, there are many things you can try. Therapy, medication, exercise, meditation, mindfullness, support groups, volunteering, hobbies, etc. Start by talking with a doctor.
I wish you the best!
Do you have any hobbies, no matter how obscure? That’s often a great gateway to meet people with a shared interest. If you don’t have one, look for nearby homeless shelters / churches. They often have volunteer programs where you can do anything from feeding the homeless, to helping pick up trash, etc. This work tends to be very fulfilling because you can cause a positive impact in the area that you live in. You will probably also meet a person or two while doing this.
People love to talk about themselves, so if you do manage to chat someone up at one of these events, ask them about their life. Try to steer the questions towards one that don’t have a yes/no answer, and keep engaging them and asking follow up questions. Making acquaintances is basically as easy as that. Do that long enough and you’ll have more than one friend.
TLDR: Find people with shared interests; engage them in conversation. Repeat until friend[s] acquired. Easy as that.
Hidden Brain had a good episode “Why You Feel Empty” Aug. 6, 2024. “We all know what it feels like to be sad” … “We also know what it feels like to be joyful and happy” … “Sociologist Corey Keyes says lots of us live in an emotional netherworld that falls between these two poles, we are not depressed but still feel unfulfilled.” Anyway, I saved it cause it stuck with me because I’ve been languishing for a while as well. Give it a listen let me know what you think.
it depends a lot on your character, but humans don’t necessarily need friends. friends have pros and cons. however, if you are convinced you need a friend: you make them by doing activities, helping each other out or having similar interests. for example, you could learn how to sail or canoe or join a knitting or pottery course. Talk to the other participants. Find out a few things that don’t make them uncomfortable talking about. Then afterwards, you linger a bit and try to find someone to go to a bar (you don’t need to drink alcohol; it’s just for bonding), karaoke or dance in a club. On another day, ask them to go bowling or go to tge cinema and talk about the movie afterwards. There is something in human nature, that if person A helps person B with a small thing, person A will start feeling a bond. So, let them buy you a cola or bring them a funny hat or so to start mutual bonding.
Purpose isn’t something that is handed to you, it’s something that each of us has to find/create for ourselves.
And true happiness isn’t found by comparing yourself to others.
Its not a fair comparison. You only get to see their directors cut, but you see your own blooper reel.
Pick a hobby, literally anything.
Our brains want us to be productive, so it’s likes doing something and seeing a result. Even the most inconsequential thing will stop your brain from freaking out.
If you also feel like you need more social interaction, a good hobby would be online videogames. Play something with voice chat and just be super helpful. Teammates want to do something stupid? Back em 100% and they’ll be appreciative.
You went off on dating too, but it’s 2024. Throw up an online profile here and there, but dont make it your priority like you can fix everything else by getting a partner. Fix the other stuff to make yourself a better person, and just make yourself available.
Don’t try to fix everything with your life at once. You can (and should) work on multiple things, but pick one thing to focus, knock it down, and make a new priority. Basically don’t try to fix your life, it’s a giant task for anyone. Pick easy attainable goals that will improve your life, and knock them out one at a time to feel like.peogress is being made.
You are sharing very deep observations about yourself.
About your mother and her impact on you wanting to start a family, take a look at raisedbynarcicissts communities or speak to a therapist.
For friends connection, try joining a board game club in your area. They really don’t care about autistic traits.
I’d recommend minimising the amount of commercial media you are viewing, and switch to mostly consuming open-licenced media for a while.
Audio books: librivox.org
Movies: vole.wtf/voleflix
Nursing, and care professions like teaching or ambulance drivers, can often be squeezed to rely on the compassion of the individuals in them. Do you have balance within your position. Is it time to retrain for something else at night-school? Or time to go to 3 or 4 days a week.
Take some pride, every single day nurses help people to stay alive.
The Stoic Reading app on FDroid may help you find some philosophy that motivates or solidifies a purpose.
Travel to a different town and meet random people, introduce yourself using your middle name. Invest nothing in making long term friends, just chat.
You actually sound quite aware of many things around you, finding opportunities for hobbies or artistic endeavours, where you do not overthink things, would help.
Remember that everyone is doing their best with what they know, and to let some things go.
All the best for your future.
First:
No, you don’t need a purpose, and your lifestyle sounds ok, if you were enjoying it (I think plenty of people would) but a couple of things stick out to me. One, you are avoiding romantic attachment - if any women are attracted to you, you are not unattractive or too awkward or whatever - you are really not attracted to any women who find you attractive? Or your brain rejects them because you subconsciously think you cannot possibly be attractive so there has to be something wrong with them?
Two, you do honestly sound depressed. It doesn’t have to mean so catatonic you can’t make it to work, it can mean going through the motions of life without feeling anything.
Nobody has a purpose in life. Belief that life has a purpose is a creationist delusion created to try and comprehend and apply order to what is intrinsically chaotic and random, and to fight the anxiety that their fears induce.
Your options are to choose one of the following:
- Acceptance. You can accept that life is meaningless and that it’s okay. This one’s my preference.
- Denial. You can deny life’s meaninglessness and seek to find or create a purpose for yourself. This can range from something as simple as a hobby to as life changing as having a family or advocating for a cause.
- Embrasure. Revel in the chaos and express yourself through it, doing whatever you want without thought it care. This is best exemplified by the fictional character of the Joker.
- Oppression. Take up religion to crush understanding of reality and replace it with a delusion of supernaturally defined purpose. This is probably the most commonly used option, frequently forced upon people during childhood.
- Opposition. Attempt to fight the reality or mask the effects of meaninglessness through other means, such as direct therapy, chemical dependency (not recommended), talking with friends/family, or through other methods not previously mentioned.
Understanding one’s place in the universe (insignificant, irrelevant, and temporary speck) is important to having an accurate impression of ones existence. Whether one can accept that and what one do with that understanding is unique to the individual.
I hope that helps - good luck.
This, so much. You majored in philosophy, you know more about absurdism than I do. You also know there’s no such thing as “being ahead” or “being behind” in life, just being closer or further to your own values.
You’ve got an approximate 30-40 years of good cognition and physical ability left, and soon after you’ll die and nothing will have mattered anyway. “Existed safely until s/he died” is one possible path to take, but it sounds like you want permission to stop being scared. Go for it, the world doesn’t care.
The problem, as I see it, is: You are rotating around yourself. All the time. Round and round.
Humans are made for relationships. Not just man-woman, but relationships in the most general sense.
You are not living any strong relationships, and therefore your life feels meaningless.
So, the solution is: start to invest your time into people. Nursing wasn’t a bad start at all. But you do it for a job = for making money, so there’s not much coming back to you.
My advice is:
Do something for people in such a way that nothing comes back to you. I’m not talking about money, but your time. It does not need to be much. But do it very regularly. That way you will be able to escape that rotating around yourself.
You are going to meet new people, and there will be some wonderful people among them. Some others, too, but you are strong enough not to get scared off easily.
I second this person’s advice
I suggest donating your time or skills to helping others in some way. It doesn’t have to be a great endeavor, especially because I am sure nursing and taking care of people is emotionally draining.
I started assistant coaching a local kids’ sports team that had very little funding. Turns out that it was incredibly rewarding to work with kids and watch them grow. I also found friends in other coaches who had similar interests to me. We could always commiserate over complaining about waking up early for practice or certain kids that were difficult, and friendships grew from there.
Maybe kids aren’t your cup of tea. But I have always gotten a seratonin boost from helping other people. That might be an easy place start. Aside from that, maybe a hobby that requires you to interact with others. The first thing that pops into my head is glass blowing, because there is a shop in my town. You can take a class with other people, if you hate it then it wasn’t too expensive of a trial because they have all the equipment. If you like it then you can participate more with the shop. Something along those lines?
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You might try meetups around a hobby that you’re into (or interested in learning about). I always suggest boardgaming because it’s a relatively casual atmosphere for meeting people around an activity. There’s no pressure to carry on a conversation and you’re not dating these people, just meeting strangers for gaming. You usually still have to talk about the game and rules as you’re playing, so it gives you something in common to talk about. The rules provide structure if you’re socially awkward, so it’s maybe not as chaotic as just going to a party with a bunch of people there and trying to carry on random conversations. Meetup.com is what I’ve tried before and that worked well for me in my area (results may vary).
That’s just something to get you out of the house, pushing yourself outside of your comfort zone seems like the first thing you’d want to try doing. Getting out and meeting new people can help sometimes. It sounds like you’re in a rut, just sort of bored with everything, or at least wanting something more. Otherwise, maybe pick some sort of hobby or interest maybe you’ve though about before and just throw yourself into it if you have the time and/or money. Learn something new. Start an exercise routine or just start going on extended (30min) walks around your neighborhood. Start volunteering somewhere. Write in a journal. Just do something that’s not part of your typical routine that sparks some new mental connections for you.
And even though you don’t feel depressed, what you’re describing still could be a sign of depression, so reaching out for support is always an option that you shouldn’t feel ashamed of or anything.
Just throwing some stuff out there as ideas, but I hope everything works out well for you.
My advice is to enroll in a community college acting class and really throw yourself into it. Worked wonders for me, in fact it turned my whole life around. I didn’t become a professional actor but it changed how I look at everything. Take job interviews - I reframed them as not being job interviews, I already work there, I’ve been away on a sabbatical or something and it’s my first day back. Think how great it will be to see everybody again! It’s a fantastic group, we all like each other, the manager is awesome… so I get into that character and when I walk in I’m genuinely glad to be there and everybody feels it - not the formal politeness of a typical super-nervous applicant, instant comfort level and 100% culture fit. There are lots more ways acting experience benefited me - one was the almost instant social life. Rehearsals, going out for pizza, cast parties, other parties, dating - theatre women are a blast, and tbh a straight guy doing theatre is golden. I went from overanxious introverted computer nerd to sociable, confident, dare-I-say Man About Town, puttin’ on the Ritz.
edit: regarding age - I started in my late 20s but late 30s is totally fine. Most of the students were early 20s, people who had gone to work right after high school for a few years and had gone back to school. But there were people older than myself. There may or may not be people there your age in a particular class, but it doesn’t matter. When you’re doing a character you aren’t who you are anyway. So don’t let that hold you back.
If it makes you feel better, most people have no idea what they actually want and just follow whatever has been put in front of them.
