If somebody you knew like a family member, partner or friend told you they had NPD would you still talk to them? Would it change how you feel about that person?
As someone with NPD I’m always worried about how having NPD would affect me socially. It’s so stigmatised and people are always talking about how dangerous people with cluster B personality disorders are. I’m dating this guy at the minute. I really love him but I’m worried about how he would feel if he found out about my NPD. Would he still want to see me after what you see online about NPD? Should I ever tell him? Should I just keep it secret?
As of now I’ve told nobody about my diagnosis other than a few people at job interviews. What I’m basically asking here is ‘How will NPD affect your social life?’.
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I know and have some friends who are diagnosed with NPD. It doesn’t affect how I treat them. A diagnosis is just a piece of paper at the end of the day, and there’s no reason to treat someone differently based on whether or not they have a particular sheet of paper. I act according to people’s behaviour.
I wish more people were like you and your friends. Although I wouldn’t go as far as to say that it’s just words on a sheet of paper. That’s like saying that a sentence is just words out of a Judges mouth but still, a personality disorder is a disorder like one else. Like not being able to walk or having autism. Sure, it may effect how I interact with the world but it doesn’t define me and I can improve myself but most people wouldn’t believe that considering how much the media has demonized NPD.
If you hadn’t been diagnosed, would the behaviours the psychiatrist deemed “narcissistic” not exist in you? Behaviours don’t suddenly manifest upon diagnosis. Diagnoses are a way of pathologising and, ultimately, punishing differences, especially ones which are contrary to capitalist productivity. Diagnoses are definitely not objective assessments of dysfunction: see, for obvious examples, the hysteria diagnosis, the now nonexistent diagnosis of homosexuality/homophilia, or the entirely bullshit racist diagnosis of oppositional defiant disorder (diagnosed as ADHD in white boys, of course). Even taken at their most benign and apolitical, diagnoses are still human-made categorisations of observed behaviour. The vast majority of psychiatric diagnoses describe a set of commonly co-occuring symptoms, not a root cause or a particular structural anomaly in the brain; they aren’t any more of a natural discrete category than creating a category of white people with blonde hair and blue eyes, since those symptoms tend to co-occur.
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Cluster B personality disorders tend to be the sort of personality disorders that are obvious to those around you. (To anyone who has done any serious study on the topic of personality disorders, it’s likely those around you (at least the ones you’ve interacted at all sufficiently with) already know you have NPD. To those around you who haven’t, I’m sure they’ve still identified aspects of your behavior that are much different from how most people behave, and stumbling across the Wikipedia page for NPD is likely to bring you to mind.)
I do say “tend to” on purpose. There is such a thing as a “covert presentation” of NPD that can be less obvious.
I’ve done enough study on the topic that I know a bit about what the term “Narcissistic Personality Disorder” means. If someone I knew mentioned to me that they had an NPD diagnosis, I think just how that would affect my view of them would depend on a few things:
I think if I hadn’t known them very long and there wasn’t any particular reason for them to bring it up, I’d likely see bringing up their NPD diagnosis as an attention-seeking behavior. (This would be true no matter what the diagnosis was. If someone I didn’t know well just lead with “I have histrionic PD” or “I’m autistic” without a specific good reason to be bringing it up (and I’m not saying that there aren’t cases where leading with a psychological diagnosis is appropriate), I’d similarly feel they were seeking attention. Of course with NPD, “attention seeking” is even one of the diagnostic criteria, and so there is a certain difference with seeking attention by airing your NPD diagnosis vs airing your schizoid PD (or whatever) diagnosis.) If I’m honest, OP, just interacting with you a couple of times on Lemmy, this is kindof the way I view you. That said, I don’t see your behavior on Lemmy as “bad” in any particular way. You’re getting some of your needs filled and also contributing to the community here by starting what I see as interesting and engaging conversations. But I do think a big part of why you’re writing so much about NPD is to get validation from strangers on the internet.
If I had known them for a while and had already seen them exhibit a lot of narcissistic behavior, it would probably be a bit of a relief to hear them say they had an NPD diagnosis. I’d see them as more self-aware than I did before and that would increase my respect for them. I’d probably suspect their awareness of their condition means they may have a genuine interest in managing it and they may be in treatment. I’d suspect they probably knew a bit about the terminology. And if their behavior became unacceptable and I needed to ask them to tone it down, I might be able to break through their defenses to get them to actually listen to me by speaking to them about their behavior in terms more closely associated with PD theory. I’d also feel a bit honored to have been confided in.
If I had known them for a while but the fact they had an NPD diagnosis took me by surprise, it would definitely make me reevaluate my view of NPD a bit. As I said above, covert NPD does exist but I’d be surprised I didn’t pick up on it myself even their presentation was covert.
“I’d likely see bringing up their NPD diagnosis as an attention-seeking behavior. (This would be true no matter what the diagnosis was. If someone I didn’t know well just lead with “I have histrionic PD” or “I’m autistic” without a specific good reason to be bringing it up”
Well, obviously the things I talk about on the internet are different then irl. I would never bring it up to anyone in the real world. I don’t even talk about it that much on here outside of a few threads. I only made those threads so that people can hear a different view on the topic from someone who has it rather then sensationalist pop-psychology trash.
I made this account so I can talk about things I couldn’t irl and this diagnosis would be one of the things as it has really played in me since I first had it.
The issue is behavior (which is the primary way most of that is diagnosed to begin with).
Acknowledging the behavior and making a deliberate attempt to prevent/improve it is something I would see as a positive sign compared to the behavior without the same steps. Getting a diagnosis (and some type of therapy) is a good thing.
If you consistently treat me badly, the label wouldn’t be why I left. If you make mistakes, but make the regular effort to be aware of them and improve, the label doesn’t matter either.
Finally, somebody understands. This is what I’ve been trying to get across to people. If somebody is being manipulative or abusive the problem is there behaviour not a diagnosis they were born with but our society is more preoccupied with pop psychology and demonising those with personality disorders.
So I’m not big on most of what passes for self improvement material (I think the self help genre is almost entirely trash), but anyone who makes a habit out of trying to make themself better is moving the right way.
It’s worth noting that there will be people who hear the label and react badly, though.
I would argue that the short term pain is worse than hiding it and being with someone who doesn’t know you and can’t understand you, but I can’t promise it won’t be a dealbreaker for someone you really don’t want it to be, either.
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I’ve been in this scenario twice.
First time is a close friend of mine. Specifically he said he had BPD, a variation of NPD (traditional psychological wisdom says if he was assigned male at birth, it would be classic NPD). It was one of those things he slowly “revealed” to me, perhaps to see how I would react, I don’t know. I would not judge him for something like that, I’m not one of those people who thinks of others in terms of what they “are” but rather what they “do” (I would rather adapt to things others dismiss as I believe in nuance, is it not the most human of experiences). He has a lot of baggage stemming from that, from his parents who are on-and-off abusive (NPD heritage maybe), from the DID that came from it, from transphobia, and from their whole family growing up outside the local theocratic status quo. I don’t care that he expresses all that in an extreme way where others ridicule or question his state of mind, who am I or anyone else if we only address interpersonal matters on a surface level? If Eridan is observing me talk about him in this way, I hope he knows he is loved and always has a place with me.
The other time this happened, it happened with a friend of mine who I know from my idol (an author I like, who also put me in her social circle, which is awesome). This friend is the Benson to my idol’s Pops and is closer with her than he is with me, though he has taken an interest with me because I’m the only perpetually active non-trans female in the group (yes, the idol herself is trans too, male to female this time, the implication of me having a transdar has made me question if I’m trans before hence certain references) and he is lonely. We know we can talk to each other about anything, and that’s how I found out he has NPD. He came to me one day and just said “hey I went to the doctor to get tested, turns out I have NPD”. Despite his high standards, some of the conclusions he comes to when life gets him down, and the fact he and the other friend I mention absolutely hate each other (go figure), if being there for him exudes a welcome difference I can make in their world, he and his issues have my dedication. I see my friends as people with souls that are silently and critically wary of how things play out on the surface in ways they can only hope to fully connect themselves with.
What I see online? I spent the first twenty years of my life as a target of cluster-B abuse, trust me I know firsthand.
My advice to all people in range is drop everything and fucking run. Things are replaceable. Jobs and friends are replaceable. Your wellbeing isn’t.
It sucks, you didn’t choose it, it’s not fair - I totally get that, believe me. I have ADHD, it’s a bitch, and it can suck for the people around me.
But the thing is, the fact that it’s not your fault doesn’t make you safe to be around. People can be a danger to others completely involuntarily, despite their greatest wish not to be. And yes, that’s completely fucking unfair.
NPD and BPD are both driven by a great sucking vortex of need-for-validation that can never be filled, and that tortures people if left unfed. NPD is when the vortex demands power or status, BPD is when it demands extravagant emotional connection, but they’re the same basic model underneath. It’s as vicious and relentless as any drug addiction, it doesn’t go away, and it will eventually overpower any amount of good intent. When the monkey’s on their back, all bets are off and the nearest available victim will be preyed upon.
I don’t think there’s a safe way to be in a relationship with that - though I suppose with extremely open communication and amazingly well-defined and enforced boundaries, it could be doable. But this is very much a case of informed consent - it would be supremely shitty not to let your partner know the deal.
So what would be your advice for someone with a cluster B personality disorder? Are we just supposed to be alone forever? Also, why do you even know what you experienced was “cluster-B abuse”? People just think that anyone they don’t like has ASPD, NPD or BPD or something. “Phil who was kind of rude to me the other day, he totally has a covert psychopathic narcissistic cluster B personality disorder. I should know I watched 5 hours of Psych2Go videos”
Like I said, people deserve to know what they’re signing up for, and there need to be well-established boundaries agreed to in advance. I wouldn’t recommend it personally, but different people may choose differently.
And yeah - if someone just isn’t safe to be around, even for reasons they didn’t choose, don’t want and can’t change, then that’s correct, they shouldn’t be around people. Yes, that’s horribly unfair, but existence just sucks. If you have no moral qualms concealing that danger so you can keep exposing people to it in secret… then you’ve just proved my point.
As for the absusers in my life, kindly go fuck yourself.
Depends on how you frame it.
“I’m a certified asshole and that’s why I’m trying to change.”
or
“I’m certified awesome and you should know any problems are really your fault.”
Why the ever-loving eff would you talk about this during a job interview?
Is this a recent diagnosis? You need to slow way down and educate yourself on the condition and your employment rights. And I don’t mean by asking people on internet forums. Get real resources recommended by the doctor who gave you the diagnosis.
I thought if they ask your medical history you’re supposed to give them a complete rundown. Recent appointments, diagnosis and medication everything now I know better
People ask you your medical history during job interview? Where do you live?
(Also did you get the job?)
America, and for those jobs I didn’t get it.
I think everyone else already told you this, but never tell your employer anything about your medical history or health unless you need an accomodation or time off. There is literally no benefit to doing this. Especially when it’s something highly stigmatized, like NPD.
If they ask during a job interview, you need to be ready to lie.
Curious what country you live in? In the US, your medical information is protected information and it’s generally illegal for employers to ask you information about it. I think certain fields have exemptions for this though… possibly the military?
This type of thing should be taught in schools.
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As I already said I know this now
Some people need accommodations at work. Like a nursing parent needs space for pumping and a fridge to keep the milk. Accessible bathrooms for people with mobility issues. I work near someone who has an umbrella looking thing over her workstation because the fluorescent lights give her migraines. Some need time flexibility to address medical issues, or perhaps the medical issues of child or aging parent.
All these would require having some sort of conversation with your employer. During a job interview is not the time to do it. You need to check with your country and local laws to know your employee rights. You want to ask for accommodations in such a way that doesn’t put you at risk of getting fired or never hired to begin with.
Hindsight is 2020
I don’t know where you live, but it is not normal for prospective employers to ask for your medical history most places, and is legally questionable if not outright banned under the anti-discrimination laws of many countries.
Did you recognize that you’re making it all about yourself?
Truth?
By the time someone got diagnosed with it, I would already be sick of the behavior, amd they wouldn’t be a part of my life. I’ve had to do it before
That being said, if the people in your life haven’t noticed it enough to be sick of you, telling them your diagnosis is pointless. Work on yourself via therapy, and it’s all good.
It’s also not something you need to mention in job interviews since there’s no accommodations needed.
But that half-joke I started with? It’s only half a joke. If you go around telling everyone, you’re kinda doing it. Your diagnosis is something you work on in therapy and would only bring up if needed. It isn’t something that’s useful to anyone else. Now, if you’ve been having trouble in your social interactions, and a specific person is having difficulty dealing with you, saying that you’re aware of a problem and are working on it is a useful thing to them and you.
In other words it isn’t something to be ashamed of and hide, it just isn’t something to broadcast without a reason.
I think unfortunately you do need to have a lot of pre-emptory remarks prepared. The key things to cover are to establish your self-awareness and then discuss some of the triggers of your difficult behaviors and how you want others to feel empowered to address them.
This isn’t one-to-one with a cluster b disorder, but I struggle a lot with compulsively making mean comments. With new friends, I have a short speech explaining it, how I share my true thoughts, and encouraging them to directly speak to me if they feel upset or offended. Sadly, it doesn’t work all the time and more people bounce off sooner, but the people who do stay around it has been possible to build more secure and healthy friendships with.
It might be helpful to find a similar process for yourself.
Hope he’s not a serial killer
What’s a NPD???
Gee thanks
Narcissistic Personality Disorder
Honestly, don’t tell anyone except your partner. From what I’ve seen, revealing that kind of information often leads to more disadvantages than benefits. At best, people might not treat you any differently and won’t make assumptions about your behavior, motives, or credibility based on what they’ve read online. But realistically, you’re unlikely to gain any tangible advantages by sharing it. Keeping it to yourself gives you the most control over the situation.
I’ve heard stories of people who genuinely try to be good, fair individuals—people who contribute positively to society and the communities around them. But when they’ve disclosed being on the NPD/BPD/ASPD spectrum (or something similar), they’ve often been met with skepticism or outright mistrust. Some get accused of being liars, manipulators, or “puppet masters” with sadistic intentions, as though their diagnosis defines their every action.
I can only imagine how difficult that must be. You put so much effort into overcoming harmful behavioral patterns, making decisions that prioritize fairness and the well-being of everyone involved—not just yourself. And yet, even the people closest to you might turn around and act like they fully understand your diagnosis after skimming a few pop-psychology articles or watching a couple of sensationalized YouTube videos titled something like, “The Dangers of People with BPD/NPD/ASPD.” It’s infuriating when they then start framing you as selfish, dishonest, or manipulative—especially when, in reality, you’ve been actively keeping the balance in their favor simply because it felt like the right thing to do and you believed they deserved that kindness.
That kind of response can really hurt.
Just look at the other replies here—neurotypicals just aren’t ready for this kind of conversation.
I’ve experienced this myself. No irl but on this Lemmy. I made a thread a few weeks ago asking “Why is NPD so stigmatized?”. I wanted to why cluster B personality disorders were treated so differently to other things like depression or autism and the responsive were what you just described here.
Many people claim to have NPD nowadays, as a person who grew up in NPD household i say these people who claim to be NPD haven’t met REAL NPD persons yet, since NPD persons is akin to cold blooded psychopath that wants to control EVERYTHING and have EVERYONE sympathy on their side, even getting out of NPD household is insurmountable task for most people, so what I’m trying to say, these people who claim to be BPD or/and NPD are don’t know what REAL NPD/BPD persons is behind the closed doors
Nope, more like everyone cleams to have known with NPD just because they didn’t like them and only understand NPD as the ‘bad man I don’t like disorder’
If someone seemed to have insight into the disorder it’s one thing. The trouble is a lot of cluster B in general don’t. My mother has BPD and has a violent lack of insight into her problems, and some of my patients too. They are vicious miserable manipulative people who only exist to seek negative attention from others. But people who do have insight seem to do ok.
