I’m 19M, my girlfriend is 17F. We’ve been dating for almost a year now. Her family has no idea though, because she refuses to tell them; and it honestly hurts. My family loves her. Her family’s Muslim and she says that’s the reason she can’t tell them yet, but she will… eventually. I get that they’re Muslim, but come on, we live in the West and it’s a free country. I’ve never pressured her about it but it still upsets me.
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Honour killing is such a rare thing, I find what you are saying blatantly islamophobe tbh. Do you know how many Muslims there are in the world?
I’ve just stated that it’s a possibility, and at worst. These things really happen, if rarely, point was it’s better not to force an issue if other party is unwilling.
And yet, she is obviously afraid.
At best, they will be upset
At worst, they will murder
Jesus fucking christ.
First off, at worst, anyone is going to murder anyone. You clearly have never dated someone and met their father who was on the edge of murder.
Second, at best they won’t be happy? So according to you, every single muslim hates their child dating someone who isn’t muslim and won’t be happy? Guess I better tell that to literally every muslim I’ve dated whose parents didn’t give a solitary shit and were actively supportive of their gay kid. Or my friends who’ve dated/married muslims and were accepted into the families while being Jewish or Atheist or Protestant.
What is this racist/islamophobic bullshit? Fuck off, dude.
(Edit: Islamophobia is considered a subset of racism but nonetheless I added it on its own)
Edit 2: Downvote me all you want. Your value as a human is equivalent to the value you give other humans so I’m really not concerned with what the fuck you think.
First, religion is not a race. Second, I’m from place where muslims (very secular ones at it) are significant minority. Third, I’ve been in the situation outlined, and heard of similar from people in this situation.
Also there were at least two religiously minded honor killings that I know of one involved tatar (muslim) family, another cyhan (christian) family.
First, religion is not a race.
Might want to educate yourself on what racism is because Islamophobia is considered a subset of racism. Source 1, Source 2, Source 3.
Second, I’m from place where muslims (very secular ones at it) are significant minority.
Which is irrelevant unless OP lives in the same area you’re from. You also did not clarify that and spoke about Muslims as a whole, you did not clarify level of secularity.
Third, I’ve been in the situation outlined, and heard of similar from people in this situation.
I doubt anecdotal evidence from you personally is reflective of reality in your area, nevermind world wide.
Also there were at least two religiously minded honor killings that I know of one involved tatar (muslim) family, another cyhan (christian) family.
And again, anecdotal evidence from your specific area. That isn’t reflective of reality and it is racist as shit for you to go “My experiences reflect reality as a whole.”
So. I say again. What is this racist bullshit? Fuck off, dude.
Sometime I forget that wrongthink is not allowed around lemmy. You are perfectly fine with giving right answer even if it can bring horrible result.
Make up whatever narrative you want in order to protect your ego.
You’re just a bigot.
The fact that the girlfriend doesn’t want to tell her family is kind of a hint that they won’t be happy about the relationship. So being upset is kind of the best outcome in this situation.
It’s nice that you and also I have met nice muslims who encouraged their kids do love whoever they want. In this specific scenario I would trust the girlfriend though, because she knows her family better than us.
Okay. Not sure what your comment has to do with me calling this dude out for being bigoted though. None of that is “permission” to be bigoted.
I don’t think anyone who mentions that honor killings are a thing is saying that. Honor killings have been recognized by amnesty international as being a distinct threat to women worldwide that is present in America as well specific to Muslim majority countries in the Middle East and Asia.
I think any child has the potential of being killed by their angry parents, it’s happened very frequently from people of all backgrounds, but it’s ok to admit that a Muslim girl who doesn’t want to introduce you to her parents could be motivated by the fear of death or abuse in a very specific way. And i think it’s ok to tell this kid that this is a possible additional pressure based on her culture.
But it’s fair to say this has happened like a half dozen times in the US in two decades. That might feel like a lot, but considering the sheer number of Muslims who live in this country, that might as not happen at all.
I can keep both of these ideas in my head at the same time and not have a weird, knee-jerk meltdown in the comments!
What is this racist bullshit?
Not engaging with any other part of your comment, but is Islam a race, now? I thought it was a religion.
Race and religion are fundamentally different, one is a trait you’re born with that you have no control over, the other is a (potentially harmful) ideology, which you have the power to distance yourself from. I’m sick of this “you need to respect everyone’s religion” bullshit. No, I cannot respect an ideology which promotes stoning gays, and anyone who does is a moron.
the other is a (potentially harmful) ideology, which you have the power to distance yourself from.
Tell that to every gay muslim who can’t speak out.
It’s so frustrating constantly seeing people use the “Muslims stoning gay men to death” thing while never thinking about those gay men other than as a fucking scapegoat.
As for your shit about one is a trait you’re born with that you have no control over… You think that doesn’t apply to religion? You think that a dude born in the middle of Saudi Arabia is going to get a say on what religion he grows up under?
Yes. Religion has problems. Many fucking problems. But handwaving it away as something that you have no control over is a minimization of reality and a fundamental demonstration that you don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about.
Don’t use us gay folk as an example for your hatred when you don’t care about the gay folks INSIDE of that group. Things are not as black and white as you want to believe that they are.
And all of that without bothering to point out that you’re being just as bigoted by acting like every single Muslim is absolutely the same.
Well yes, the whole situation is complicated, I don’t advocate hatred towards religious people, I just think that religion should be criticised like any other ideology, and eventually left behind by society. I think that every person should have the privilege of growing up in a society that isn’t hateful and given the kind of education that would allow them to form their own beliefs, not just blindly inherit them. Sadly we are still far from that.
I used that as an example because it was the first thing that came to mind, I could have used any of the other million religious beliefs I disagree with, this isn’t about people, it’s about ideas
It isn’t complicated.
I responded to a dude who was being openly discriminatory and you responded in such a way to say “No, I’m allowed to discriminate because nonsensical reasoning.”
It is as simple as the fact that you are a hateful bigot.
Nah dude. You gotta respect your girlfriends wishes on this. Maybe consider getting a place when she’s 18 so she can get away? Will she be moving for university?
If her plan is to keep living with her family and never revealing you, there’s no outcome to that path. But if she is looking to move or study or whatever, you might see a future for the relationship.
Talk to her about the future and where this is going.
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If she is still financially reliant on her parents, you should abide by her wishes on the subject. You should not consider it a reflection of her relationship with you. She is doing what she needs to do to survive and thrive.
Eventually, she might choose to rely on you for financial support. But, you could be killed in a traffic accident, and she would still be dependent on their support. Even after you are supporting her financially, she still needs to do what she needs to maintain her relationship with them.
You should not consider her relationship with her parents to be a reflection on your relationship until she is capable of supporting herself, independent of both you and them.
Until then, she is being coerced, to some degree or another, and you should consider that coercion when evaluating her behavior.
Friend of mine had the same scenario in high school. The only one who knew was the twin sister of the girlfriend. The rest of the family would never have accepted a non-muslim. It’s probably the only way to do this until she’s an adult and can tell them to fuck off.
You’ve already asked yourself what’s the worst that can happen. Now ask her what she thinks is the worst that can happen, and what she thinks would actually happen. Do not correct her or interrupt, and only ask probing questions so that you can better understand.
I promise you that her answers are not the same as yours.
I just want to point out something that I’ve not seen others mention - sometimes girls are just way too paranoid about what their families will think. I know one girl who keeps insisting that her parents wouldn’t let her date a black guy, but then she also admits that she dated a hispanic guy before and thought the same thing but her parents loved him. Honestly I think like 70% of girls imagine that their parents wouldn’t accept some huge swath of men due to some superficial characteristic, but probably in reality only maybe 20% of parents would actually be against their daughter dating a guy who treats her well, even if he’s of a type they dislike.
It’s fine that you feel upset, everyone has emotions. It’s what we do with them that matters. It’s a good thing you asked here and that the responses mostly aren’t hurtful.
If you don’t feel like you can talk to your girlfriend about it, I invite you to go to a mosque and try to get to know a few Muslims. Or if you have Muslim friends, try to talk to them about relationships and about women dating. Also, if you do want to talk to your girlfriend about it, try to be the listener. Do not push back, try to be understanding, give a space where she feels comfortable to go into the details. Just don’t pressure her.
This is a good relationship to discover how you deal with discomfort regarding the issue of acceptance by others. It will give you an opportunity to practice. You might handle it well, take the advice you got from here and apply it successfully. You might also end up without a girlfriend, but that’s all part of the journey. You’ll get to know yourself better.
Good luck.
She’s underage. I take her Muslim background is different from yours. And every family is an environment unique and different from other families. No matter that it’s a free country and all that, it’s her family, she lives with them, she has to endure the consequences of disclosing the relationship. Not you.
You may live in the west, be fairly liberal and think all that religious stuff is old gen but often different cultures don’t live by western standards and stick to their archaic rules. I dated a girl for a few years from a different culture, she was too scared to tell her dad and said she would get disowned by her family… so what to do… anyway didnt end well as i wanted to settle. A year later after we broke up she was dating someone from her culture, she calls me crying and says shes pregnant and wish she had just not given a fuck about what her family thought, fuked me up quite bad tbh like.
Try get a feel of the her familly, if you think you will never get accepted, then better to walk now, you’ll find someone else.
Muslim extremists murder or maim girls who have “shamed the family” in the west too.
we live in the West and it’s a free country.
Yeah unfortunately to some people that doesn’t matter.
No pressure? You don’t think being upset about it counts? Does it count as pressure when she’s upset with you about something? Is your version of freedom the one where we’re all free to do things your way?
Is it all about the culture gap, or maybe it isn’t about the culture gap at all? Maybe it’s about the culture gap as she perceives it, rather than the culture gap as you perceive it?
Maybe you should start putting the person you love first? Perhaps that’s in your own best interests anyway? Maybe you’re just bad at being selfish?
Ok lots of good advice and comments but let me simplify this for you a bit more.
If you trust your partner let them handle their family, trust what they say about them. If you cant, it ups the chance of break up because she is already stressed.
Unless you suspect you are the other dude or in danger stay out of it no matter how curious you are. There is literally a community full of stories like this and it always back fires when people get involved too early.
This is exactly the right advice for this situation.
She’s almost certainly doing it for a good reason. If you love her then trust her, damnit.
Don’t get involved in her family drama. Just don’t.
It will happen eventually and he will be disposed of.
