Hi my fellow Lemmy users! It’s been a while since I used this platform and boy did I actually miss you all ❤️
It’s just that I’ve been more so focusing on myself in my career and in my own education. So I graduated back in June and man it sure does feel like a lifetime ago already. Settled in a good paying job and still trying to improve myself wherever I can.
This brings us to the question that I wanted to ask everyone here. As I’ve been very focused on academics and career stuff I never had the opportunity to date and I’ve been rejected very frequently (which is to be expected as a man tbh). I haven’t been able to lose weight and that I’m 25 years old.
I know that’s still pretty young but I still feel so behind on dating tbh. Is it still too late for me to find someone I want to be with after I’ve lost weight? Does losing weight help for men as it does for women? I’ve been trying to join meetups, volunteering (just to meet new people tbh) and really put myself out there. It’s just idk like all my friends are committed and I’m just floating around life whilst focusing on my career.
I met my current girlfriend in my mid 30s. It’s not too late.
my partner felt much the same way you do - she had never had a boyfriend before we got together, when she was 28.
we met through a dating site - OKCupid - don’t know if that makes a difference to you.
You don’t need to be thin to date. I’ve been a fat man my whole life, introverted and introspective, spent most of my life alone.
My first relationship wasn’t until about your age. I married her because I thought I’d always be alone otherwise. It was a mistake and I was wrong.
Took a long time to figure myself out, only had two other real relationships and a few nonstarters, then met my wife when I was almost 40.
I’m still fat. So what?
I just got married last year at the age of 35. I think you’re good, man. And yes, losing weight helps. Not everyone likes a fit partner, but most people do.
No. 25 is very young.
Dating can be difficult and lots of people screw it up. That’s okay. Being bad at something is the first step towards being okay at something.
Remember to ask questions when you go on dates. It’s a common mistake for people to just talk about themselves. Try to ask the other person open ended questions, and engage with whatever they’re talking about. So if they say like “I went to Storm King this weekend” you can say like “Oh storm king is lovely! My favorite is the sculpture of the moving pipes that spin but never touch. What’s your favorite part?” Don’t go off on a monologue. Don’t just change the topic to something you want to talk about. It’s like a game of catch. Throw the ball back.
Also weight isn’t the most important thing. Unless you’re like so overweight it’s a medical problem, there are people out there who will be into you. If you want to lose weight (or get fit, an arguably better goal) then you should do it for yourself.
Also rejection is to be expected. Don’t let it get to you.
If you use an app like tinder, you’re going to get way more misses than hits. That’s fine. Focus on the hits and let the misses fade from memory.
I know it feels overwhelming now, but your life has barely started. You’ve got plenty of time!
Dude, you are being way, way too hard on yourself. Here is why:
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Your personality doesn’t fully develop until you’re about 26 or 27. This is because of development in your prefrontal cortex
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The fitness thing can change relatively easily and yes, it will help you. Not only will it help you dating, but it’ll help your lifestyle in general and you’re overall health.
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There are tons of people that are in the same boat as you within your cohort. I realize that of me feel like you’re dating opportunities are over now that you’ve graduated, but this is just a change in your lifestyle.
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You are already workinfg on improving yourself which is going to improve your odds on finding someone that you connect with. Your volunteering, you’re doing other things. You are chasing own hobbies and living your life. This also helps
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Anecdotally, I was in a very similar position at your age. Spend a pile of time working (300 hr months from June to December; 220ish the rest of the year). I still managed to find the right person and now I’m snuggling our youngest while typing this.
The journey of self improvement is thankless. It sucks. You feel like you’re getting nowhere and everyone is miles out ahead of you. They aren’t, and if they seem like it, it’s because they have made tradeoffs. Comparison ruins our self confidence. Try you best to avoid it. Let what you do on self improvement be because that’s what you want to improve upon because that’s how you envision the best version of yourself.
Self-improvement is also extremely slow. Same with the dating thing. I realize how painfully lonely it can be to be single, but developing a good group of friends will help. Further, you shouldn’t view a potential partner as something necessary to make you happy or complete. You need to be those things before you even think about getting into a relationship; otherwise you’re setting yourself up for disaster and placing unreasonable expectations on said partner.
I could go on, but there’s enough there to encourage you
Yeah I am being way too hard on myself as my other comment replies show me that. I’m happy to hear that you’ve made it (gives me some hope lol) and I agree that the journey of self-improvement is thankless. I do have a good of friends that I can rely on its just making this post here can help me hear this or even read this when I’m feeling down. I know that having a partner isn’t something necessary to make me happy. I guess for me its just I am very prone to making comparisons to everyone else and how I am an immigrant to the US has skewed my perception even more so it just you know hits harder I guess when I am unconsciously making comparisons.
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It is never too late
As you say, 25 is not old at all. As long as you keep socializing with friends and coworkers, pursue IRL hobbies ideally social ones, etc. as you mention, I don’t think it matters much if it takes you 6 months or >5 years to reach your fitness goals.
The only people I’d consider “”“lost cases”“” I know personally are shut-ins who have long mentally parted ways with baseline humanity. An inability to have a decent conversation with people is harder to fix than being overweight and becomes more of a problem with each year of age. But you seem to be on the right track there!
You might be behind on dating, but you’re also behind on divorce. Trust me, it’s a double-edged sword, and if you rush into it, you’ll only get stabbed in the back. Though of course that isn’t to say loneliness itself feels like a dagger (mine is inscribed “platonic” on it). How many platonic friends do you have?
Quite a lot actually, its just that friendships are not really an issue for me but more so like romance I guess. I feel like I can’t for the life me flirt or anything that’ll convey that I am romantically interested without scarring them off or just get friend zoned (friend zoned is not a bad thing for me I am more than happy to have more friends in life). Its just you know it feels like you’re in stuck under a glass ceiling that you can just can’t break is what I feel about dating in general.
What would you say separates friendship from a romantic partnership, something you can say always applies to romantic partners but never applies to friends?
Well one thing is that with friends they can come and go a lot more often than romantic relationships. The other thing when it comes to romantic relationships is where you feel a connection which is special and it’s not like spark but more so a level of comfort. A more important aspect that differentiates between friendships and romantic relationships is the vulnerability it offers for men like me but hear me out it’s that men cannot feel the same vulnerability with friends even if you’re the closest heart-to-heart level I’m talking but with relationships it’s just you don’t feel the need to hide things. Sex is the obvious difference lol but that’s like the last thing I’m interested in cause that’s like when we’re the most vulnerable. I mean this is the best I could come up with what makes friendships and romantic relationships separate.
Go through Matthew Hussey’s dating podcasts and content on YouTube, he is an insanely solid guy for advice. Also, Anna Akana from the past few years. Great woman.
If you date, and dates end up forging into potential marriages, just remember one word: prenup. This is a man’s most important defense. Never marry without it, and ensure it is legally honoured.
I’ve started dating a bit late and let me tell you: you can’t really be behind. Yeah, there’s some generic interpersonal experience you get from dating, but that maxes out at like, 3 months of dating. So I’d put someone who’s dated for 3 months and someone who’s dated for like 6 years at basically the same point experience wise, if they’re both put into a situation where they’re back on the dating market after it.
You do build personal rapport with a person during a relationship, but people start and stop those all the time - everyone’s on a different schedule, you can’t really compare yourself to that.
Oh, and on the weight loss point - don’t sweat it!! Being chubby is way less of a dealbreaker when you’re a guy. And the people who do mind aren’t people you should be giving a chance to anyways 🤷
How over-weight is over-weight? How old are the women you’re trying to approach? How are you approaching them? Which career did you choose?
That’ll help in enlightening us as to the cause of your rejection
I am like 5’10 and I am almost 200lbs so I am pretty overweight and last time I checked my BMI. I was like tipping on the edge of obese but here’s the thing, I don’t have like fat legs or anything, its just my stomach that’s like fat where its showing the fat the most. I choose to be a software engineer, for approaching women, I tend to ask them more so in settings of shared interests. Like I’d ask questions about them and the things they like where I’d relate to things they said. I tend to be a very curious person so I’d really like to know them in general like their interests and about them in general. I am not really talkative irl and I feel that I am pretty boring because I can be pretty quiet because I am listening to them more which I like to do and its hard to keep the conversation going when you run of stuff to talk about. I don’t talk for the sake of talking but to really you know get to know of them i guess if that provides you with enough info about what am I doing
You lack rizz, my friend. I wish I could lend you some of mine, because I have more than I need (when I chose to use it)
Yes, losing weight would help but it isn’t everything.
Hmm. My husband is pretty dull in most aspects, but he was doing climbing when we started dating. I thought that was cool. I also happen to like games, as does he- so we bonded over our mutual appreciation for gaming. He also spent a great deal of time in school (he’s a mechanical engineer) and though I probably shouldn’t tell you this he was a virgin until he was in his 30’s. If he can find someone, you can too
I think your best bet is to start trying out different hobbies, especially physical ones (not suggesting climbing, but try hiking? I don’t know where you are, but Meet-up is a good way to meet people and hiking seems to be a common thing around where I live)
If you need dating advice you can ask me. I’m about to be 40, but I did quite a bit of it in my 20’s and 30’s before I settled down. If you land dates I might be able to help you get specific women’s attention
What’s your type (if you have one) and I mean less about how they look and more about how they act (figuring out what motivates them will be a big step forward in being able to date them)
I guess my type of woman (well looks like wise white American) is someone who’s just kind and caring also who’s more extroverted tbh. I mean I do like someone who takes care of themselves (I’m trying to do that just ya know struggling but not like I gave up on it) and someone who wants a long term relationship that will lead to marriage.
Basically my type is someone who shares the same western ideals as I do (I grew up Muslim but not anymore and I’m brown as well) and someone who’s liberal I guess if that helps.
Gotcha. Lessee. My husband is part Korean, part various Hispanic, and I’m mostly white (born in South Africa so I have a spattering of various ethnicities given that my ancestors were sailors to some degree).
Husband (who also has a strong, white, preference) says that generally women tend to want to stay in their ethnic group, while men are more likely to want someone outside their ethnic group. I’m not certain on the validity of that, since where I live there is a whole lot of variation in couples.
Either way, that might be adding to your challenges! It also depends on your area. Where I live there are plenty of mixed couples, but if you’re in a state where people tend to stay within their ethnic groups that’s gonna be a lot harder
Finding someone who has your exact beliefs is also extremely difficult. I never would have guessed I would marry someone like my husband. He leans conservative, while I lean liberal (for example).
But what I meant is: if you like a sporty woman, going to the gym is where you might find one. If you like an artsy woman, take a random art class at a community College. If you like an out-going woman, you’ll want to check your area for “fun things to do”. If what you want is an introvert who plays DnD, then try to find a DnD group. Try to figure out what interests the women you want will have- and then go there.
Keep in mind this will take time. You have to be friends with them first (for long term relationships) and then work your way into their hearts/minds/panties from there.
And side note, you could easily be friend zoned. But, with luck, she might have a single friend who she’d think you’d be perfect with :)
The one advice I can give you is, women are closer to men than you may think. Whatever you find interesting, there’s someone out there who would think so too. Whatever disgusts you, probably disgusts women too. IMO, dating advice that includes phrases such as “as a man” are misleading, because they imply that women are fundamentally different and must be treated differently.
Treat them as you would a friend, rather than something to be won, and you’ll find that people will be more receptive. 25 years old is still plenty young
Yeah, I see what you’re saying. Its just that the reason why I’ve said as a man is because both men and women live their lives so differently like in terms of dating (I am generalizing here and I could be wrong), women tend to get approached often by men so they sometimes don’t have to do much except for filtering out the men who just want sex versus the one who they want long-term wise. For men, they tend to have to make the first approach often in order for them to get noticed.
I’m saying this generally and yeah its just this is also just me I do think of women as friends first cause I want to also so see how whether or not our values align together or not. Women are people too I realize that, its just hard when a lot of other men are doing the same thing and its hard not to feel behind in this rat race lol even tho it isn’t but sometimes it feels like it when there is someone you’re interested in and they like someone else or that they’re not looking to date or anything. Sorry for the rambling its just I’m frustrated with it and if I feel like I stop looking for someone, no one is going to come to me if that makes sense and I’m just you know alone with my thoughts.
There is a lot of great advice in this thread, but I just want to post a quote that I like the meaning. ‘Women are not a objective, they’re a consequence’. So invest in yourself, like so many others have said, and get out there and something will happen.
