Background+rant: I’m in my early to mid-20s and still living at home with my dad. I’m not a NEET and am employed at a normal office job. I enjoy the comfort of my home. I like being with family (and I believe they feel blessed to have their kid at home longer). I like not having to pay rent. However, I also keep feeling some nagging pressure to “grow up and leave the nest”.
Everything in my mind tells me that moving out is irrational. I would lose 1/3rd of my income to rent, go through a bunch of logistical hoops to find a new place, lose the last few moments I have with my family, just so I can prove to nobody that I’m independent, maybe discover new things, and also probably get in on some of that loneliness action that the rest of my generation is going through.
Yet, the pressure is still there. No one looks down on me for it, but I feel a bit embarrassed to tell people I’m living at home, like I’m admitting failure or incompetency. My friends will occasionally ask when I’m planning on moving out and the question just lingers longer than it should in my head. I compare myself to my parents and grandparents and can’t help but feel like a child compared to the people they were when they were at my age.
Obviously quite conflicted on this, so I’m interested in seeing what others have to say.
This pressure is solely a North American thing. They don’t push kids out in Europe. They have a very connected family dynamic. The only time adult kids go out on their own is if they need the space for bigger fam or need to move far for work. Otherwise fam are entirely happy to stick together. If anything parents want the kids to stay to help as they grow older and they aren’t alone. Sort of a switch over in responsibility later. But this is considering a healthy family dynamic. Not an abusive one. Abusive families still run away.
In North America ‘Living with parents’ seems to pick on who benefits and if anyone is prevented from doing things they need to do to get to the next step in their life to be capable of independence.
I’m living with a with a relative who I get along fine with and I’ve already done the ‘leave the nest’ thing.
I don’t have more life style growth to learn how to survive independently as I have the career I want and making the money I want. I can easily move out and get a place if that is what I need to do. I’ve done it before.
I’m back with fam because living alone is expensive for all of us. But we also really enjoy each others company. If anything it’s more that we live with each other for both of our benefit. Not just me living with them for my own benefit.
It’s worth noting that, by and large, American culture makes it a pretty stifling experience for most people to stay at home as an adult. There are a lot of nuances that create this dynamic.
There’s also the undeniable frequency at which these parent/children relationships turn toxic that I think other cultures ignore. I have a first generation Korean friend in his mid-twenties who left the country because, despite how unhealthy his home environment is with his parents is, the social pressure to stay is incredibly high.
In North America ‘Living with parents’ seems to pick on who benefits and if anyone is prevented from doing things they need to do to get to the next step in their life to be capable of independence.
It’s a part of American rugged individualism
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rugged_individualism
I really wish we had a culture that promoted healthier family dynamics and that staying at home longer was more common as a result. Maybe then I’d still have family and a safety net.
Feels like the living with parents shame is part of the new deal propaganda that led to highways and suburbs. There’s a poster from that time that says something like “owning a home makes you a real american”. If renting makes you “not a real american” than idk what living with your parents makes you.
Pay your parents some rent, help out around the house, treasure them while they’re still alive.
Save up and invest as much money as you possibly can.
Your family must not be my family. I could be in the exact same situation, but I’m choosing to barely make rent each month on a 1br.
It is very expensive, but if I lived at home, I could not have sex, and having a partner over for non-sex reasons would be…very weird.
Plus, my family doesn’t allow me to cook anything in oil because of the smells. Boiling, baking, and grilling only.
So…yeah. I like having a partner. And having some nookie. Plus, the space is nice.
I turned 18 when I was still in high school. I couch surfed with my friends pretty much the next week until I graduated then officially moved into my own place the second I went full time. Part of it was the same reasons you mentioned. I was an adult and wanted to do things my way. Part of it was that I felt stifled at home from the time I was 13.
I don’t really understand people who stay at their parents house after they’re able to leave, but if it works for them and OP doesn’t mind the drawbacks then I say more power to them.
Of course it took me years to be able to share a place with a partner at all so I may be broken.
Even aside from sex, dating in general is so awkward as an adult when living at home. Like, say your date suggests you watch a TV show You would have to take them home and probably meet your parents etc… definitely worth moving out for me after a certain point.
Currently 24 and also living it home.
My cousin stayed until 30 and was able to buy a house I bit outside the bigger cities with a mortgage.I’d say do move out as soon as you can afford something you actually want to.
Funny sidemark:
Just reach the >40 year range and say you moved back in to support your fam around the property ;)This is situational, and also cultural. The cost of living everywhere right now is unprecedented due to greed. I wouldn’t feel too bad or look down on anyone for being in the situation. I’ve been in it off and on the last 10 years and I’m in my early 30s.
To me, if anything, it’s not based on a time limit, it would based on circumstances if it’s based on something, especially considering the environmental sacrifices that go into minute home pleasures. To say it’s based on a time limit is dumb and can only be norm-based. I hope to be the kind of person who judges based on character and character alone. Being your best self does not require a home or career, just dedication to humanity whenever someone asks for it.
There’s a point for some people where you live with your parents because they can’t really take care of themselves, you don’t have kids and are free to move… uh, speaking from personal experience. My dad is losing it and my mom is close to that, and I just ended a relationship recently so it makes sense I’d live with them and help them in the interim. It’s not exactly a new relationship magnet though.
As far as your situation, you’ll know when the time is right to move out imo. The standards of “move out and have your own house at 18” is outdated due to realistic modern economics. It would be when you meet someone and want to move in with them and taking them to your parents would seems absurd. You’re educated, you have a job, you’re expressive, you’re doing fine.
What if you just don’t want to be lonely? For example you have a full time job and are financially independent but you still want to be with your family?
This changes a lot from place to place. So take into account that what I’m going to say comes from someone in Latin America.
I think that “moving out” boils down to three questions:
- Do you fight often with your parents?
- Are you being leeched, or a leech yourself?
- Does it prevent you from doing what you want to do?
If the answer for all those three things is a clear “no”, then there’s no reason to move out.
Freedom is not a theoretical matter, but a practical one; it’s not being prevented from doing what you want. In certain cases you might be less free by moving out.
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In Germany it’s expected to move out after high school, I was 19 myself and so where all of my peers save for two who went to university in our home town. They both moved out about a year later as well though.
Don’t know about any specific age, but if you ever intend to move in with someone other than your family, it’s a very good idea to have tried living alone first.
Yes, incompetency and responsibility are issues. There’s a lot of stuff to be done in a house/home. Since you already live with someone, there’s a high chance that they’re doing something that you either don’t know about, or don’t know how to, because they’re the ones doing it. Living alone will inevitably teach you how to do everything and also let you experiment with how you want it done.
In that process you’ll also learn that there are probably things that your family does differently from what you want. Perhaps they have arguments over stupid stuff, or they are happy living in more mess than you prefer, or they wash all the clothes on the wrong temperature (horrible, I know). As stupid as it might be, small stuff like that is important if you want to live with someone else.
You know how some motivational memes say “if you can’t love yourself, how can you expect others to love you”. Same thing applies to living with others: “If you can’t live by yourself, how can you expect to live there with someone else?”
Financially it doesn’t make sense at all, but in my opinion, living alone is a necessary thing to do before committing to living with a partner. At least for two years or so, and the twenties are usually a good time to do so, because you have fewer obligations and your family can still help you out if everything fails.
Pay them some rent.
When you do finally move out you’ll need to be used to putting that out. If your relationship with them is as good as you say it is they might tuck it away for you.
You absolutely should have moved out by 90 but it’s fine if you’ve 90 and moved out previously but decided to move back in.
