For some context, we are first generation immigrants. My parents are Russian, my mother and her husband have been living here for 20 years (even got rid of Russian citizenship couple years ago), my biological father is still living in Russia.
It’s damn exhausting to discuss political topics with them, especially my father. He keeps telling me how great it is to live in Russia, how their economy is doing great and how he’s proud that they are defending their “brothers” in Donezk and Luhansk from the evil bandera regime in Ukraine.
My mom voted far right in the past election. She doesn’t believe she voted for nazis, but the party’s views on economics, climate policy and immigration seem to align with hers. She believes wind farms are harmful for the environment. What the actual fuck.
Whenever I try to argue with them, they tell me that I’ve been brainwashed by “Western propaganda”.
I’m at a loss. I love my parents and I know that nobody’s immune to propaganda, but it’s heartbreaking to see them holding these toxic beliefs. How would you deal with parents like these? Should I just declare to never talk about politics with them again since it’s pointless?
If you live with them it could be tricky but let them know you will not be talking politics or any kind of emotionally charged topic with them going forward. Lets keep it light and stick to the things we agree on and leave everything else at the door. Avoid talking about them or saying you or sounding accusatory to minimize defensiveness, just let them know these topics and conversations are not how you want to use your time and energy and thinking anymore.
If they start trying to drag you into a forbidden topic, simply let them know you are heading off to do something since you dont have anything to add or contribute to topics that you are uncomfortable with like you mentioned to them before.
Start with this and let us know if they bite. I’ve got some other ideas but start with this and see how it goes. At the end of the day, engaging in these kinds of discussions over and rehashed constantly is damaging and pointless so the key is transcending them by not participating in them or feeding the wrong wolf. Be polite and respectful but also assertive that you will not be dealing with these topics any longer
Although I don’t live with them, the topic comes up every time I am on the phone with my father. He keeps yapping and yapping about how great the motherland is, until I snap. It seems it’s all he ever wants to talk about - Putin this, Ukraine that.
Thank you for your advice, I’ll try setting up some boundaries next time he calls.
Ya just let him know you’re not spending your time and mental energy on that stuff. Stop talking to him on the phone or let him know that as soon as things are falling off course into that stuff, you gotta go and take a break from him for a few weeks.
Eventually he will get the message but if its still a problem after that, might need to go no contact to demonstrate you’re serious
“If Russia is so great why do we live here?”
Tell this every time they start bullshitting.
The father still lives in Russia though.
The reality is that it was a mistake to give boomers unfettered access to the internet. Just like we dont hand Ipads to 5 year olds and let them click anything on YouTube.
What’s more important to you: having a relationship with them or changing their views? I don’t mean this as some kind of “gotcha” thing. This is the choice you need to make.
You already have your simplest solution to this (don’t talk politics with them), but you made this post because you don’t like that solution.
Thankfully most things in life aren’t so black and white. It’s possible that you can work on them very very softly and slowly over time, but this all comes down to what you can stand in order to keep your relationship with them.
I personally think that attempting to avoid political topics with them is the best direction to go here, but it’s not my parents or my choice to make for you.
Similar struggle. I told my folks (they live 2hrs away and I see them every 2 mo.) that they need to choose: a relationship with me or talking about politics. At first I gave a couple warnings, but after maybe 3 or 4 times. I reiterated, me or politics, and left without another word. Works with phone calls too. “Did you hear what Bide” click - I hang up.
Treat them like dogs - they’re trainable. If you abruptly leave or hang up every time, eventually they’ll get the hint. If not, they’ve made their choice and if it’s not you, then you’ll need to move on.
I didn’t travel 2 hours to talk about someone I’ll never meet. Let’s talk about ourselves and what’s new in our lives. What’s going on in the garden, what’s new in the office, whatever happened to what’s-her-name you used to hang out with.
they’re trainable
This does work from experience. It also obligates you to be the person that puts energy and work into the relationship without it ever being reciprocated.
At any point you can decide that it’s not worth it anymore, OP. It’s completely fair to decide that this minute or 5 years from now.
Tell them what you think and then cut them out of your life. That is what I have done. Fuck their nonsense.
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That really depends on the political views. If someone’s belief is that certain groups do not deserve to exist/live, or at least doesn’t care enough about those views of the party they voted for, that is absolutely reason enough to cut them out of your life.
I wouldn’t.
I’d approach it from a personal level, as in, “you’re disgusting for doing this, you’re disgusting for pretending any of this bullshit is defensible. This is beyond the pale. I’ll talk to you again if you stop it with the crap, not before. I’m ashamed to come from people who would do this.”
I don’t know if it’s a good idea to try and talk actual policy points with them. You think they reasoned their way there? This isn’t politics, it’s assholish indecency. Treat it like the thing it is.
Debating people who’s entire thing is “don’t be serious but make the others be” is dumb. Clown on em, tell them you can visit when they stop being transparently awful. Make it their job to patch things up, and don’t use kid gloves. Don’t allow the idea that they have a point into the conversation. That only applies to people who have points. Nazi shit gets you put in time out instead.
Don’t take up the mantle of always having to put out the fire they keep lighting in the bridge between you. They’ll burn it down and try to blame you for it, mark my words.
Tell them this, Can’t buy a house under Republicans,can’t buy a house under Democrats, while it’s great it worked out for them. You are not represented as a voter and they need to get their heads out of their ass. That is, if they try to push conservative ideas. Otherwise, let them be happy and stupid. The misery is coming for them eventually, so why rush them.
It’s damn exhausting to discuss political topics with them, […]
Then don’t, and if that’s the only thing they’re willing to talk about, make passive aggressive remarks about their lack of conversational creativity.
When I was younger, I would have argued till I was blue in the face. I’ve since learned to choose my battles and not waste my time and energy on battles I know I can’t win… so I’d leave it alone as much as they allowed it, and eventually refuse to discuss it at all if needed.
I don’t talk politics. Not at work. Not to my parents. I just keep my opinions to myself to keep my sanity.
This is the way. Most loud people don’t talk politics, they just convey the latest talking points because they feel like being rewarded.
Just stay out of the stupid-shouting match.
Oh hey we’re in the exact same boat! My parents are from Russia too and moved to Germany about 20 years ago. If the bureaucracy here wasn’t that slow, they would have had citizenship by now and 100% both voted AfD.
We never had a decent relationship and I’m not concerned about preserving anything, so the goal is to just fully cut all contact at some point 🤷
Until then, I just act ignorant whenever they bring up politics (like literally pretending to not know who Trump is, because “what, why would I pay attention to niche american politics, they’re literally an ocean away??”).
Works pretty well, sometimes it even does make them retrospect about why they would care so much about seemingly random topics (because Russian propaganda channels train them to react to specific buzzwords).
Ultimately, I don’t think they would ever change into better people and any energy put into changing their minds would be better used somewhere else.I moved a couple states away from my family to minimize any interaction. It’s not just politics. Their politics are, however, and indicator that they’re not the type of people I want to associate with, so the extra distance facilitates less contact.
Of course, I moved to Iowa, which has since shifted from purplish to red. At least I’m on a blue city.
My parents immigrated from “communist” Poland years ago and had similar conservative views. Abortion bad, church good, black people lazy, etc… It took years of discussions and disagreement to get them to think in a more progressive way, and yes, having siblings helps. And if you can convince one parent, they can help you convince the other.
I truly believe that art is one of the best ways to alter the way people think. I found that watching movies/documentaries with my parents that had strong ecological and humanitarion viewpoints were a great way to start these discussions. Movies about topics like systemic racism, homophobia, corporate greed/fraud, environmental destruction, religious abuse, etc…
For example, the Netflix documentary ‘13th’ have real insight into how the systemic racism uses poverty to keep marginalized people poor and desperate enough to commit crimes. Which are then blamed on their skin color rather than their on economic situation.
Are they, especially your mom, different in person?
I have this one aunt who will hold forth in any crowd, insisting on whatever conspiracy theory she read on Facebook most recently. It’s tiring to the point that most of my adult life I’ve avoided her at family get togethers. But last time I saw her, just before pandemic, we happened into conversation away from everyone else. She came across lucid, intelligent, and we had a good conversation. wtf? Where has all that been?
