I’m a 54-year-old man, recently separated from my wife of 31 years - just earlier this month. Honestly, I’m already feeling bored and lonely, so I’ve been considering trying out dating apps (I’ve never used one before). However, my sons (30 and 28) tell me it’s a waste of time and possibly even a scam, and I’ve seen similar opinions online. So I’m not sure what to think.
Yeah. they’re horrible. Find your local library, they have tons of things going on, usually. Probably have something you might find interesting involving others.
Otherwise, there’s plenty of other 3rd spaces, like community centers, or things more directly dedicated to your interests.
They’re not the best, but there isn’t a reason not to try if it interests you. A good friend of mine in his mid-40s was divorced from his wife and went on Bumble about a year and a half ago. He went on a handful of dates and only a couple months in met his new girlfriend. They’ve been together a year now, they’re doing well and she’s great. Point is there are lots of success stories.
We do live in a decent sized city, where there are a lot of fish in the sea.
Yeah, I wouldn’t suggest it be your only approach, but they do work in some cases. I’m poly and met one of my partners on OKCupid and another on Feeld.
Dating profiles are like work resumes. They take work and refinement. Not getting responses? Try tweaking your profile and changing your profile pics. I find apps that don’t let you put more than a few minutes into your profile are a waste of time because you simply can’t figure out which profiles are real people and which are bots/scammers. I include everything in my profile that might be a common dealbreaker (poly, not religious, child-free, etc) so that anyone who swipes on me has already already filtered into a smaller and better-matched dating pool.
The other thing that has worked for me is to not chat with a person online for longer than necessary. You need those low-stake getting-to-know-you topics to fill the awkward silences until you know you them to the point where they become companionable silences. Once I’m confident that the other person is real and that we have the potential for a connection, I ask if they want to have a quick vibe check meeting. 30-minutes to an hour max, typically over coffee, minimal pressure. Just get that first conversation over with. Let them know you’re a safe person first, then hopefully establish a connection, build up some flirty energy, and schedule a real date on the way out.
Edit: Noticed a half-finished thought and completed it.
Your sons are speaking from their experience, which may not be the same as yours.
The apps are awful. Get a hobby and meet some new friends and they have friends etc
I met some nice people, but had better luck just meeting people naturally in my 20s. I think the reason why dating apps didn’t work is that it’s kinda like job apps online, where there’s just waves of people, and everyone is just kinda putting their resume on their profile. Hard to stand out and meet “real” people among bots/hidden likes/ app design/bad matches.
Usually these companies make money by having users churn through loads of bad matches and then continually pay for premium.
I’d recommend joining a club IRL or volunteering, it might be a more organic fit. Friends -> dating can come naturally out of that.
My 60 year old dad found a new wife on dating apps. Give it a try.
As someone who met the Person i love and live with in one of the dirtiest gay hookup shitholes i can say, yes these Apps are fucking pathetic and literally tuned to make you feel like shit (Its literally an algorithm that wants you to get addicted and spend money on it, it absolutley is that bad).
There are lots of people on it who got so broken by these apps that they just fuck arround there and bully others or scam you.
BUT: there are some people like you, the hard thing is to find them without going insane or getting catfished by a real person or even a bot thats owned by the dating site themselfs (of course there are a shit ton of other bots there to lol) IF, and thats a really really really BIG if! if you have the time for people who will definitly waste it, the media/technical competence to not get scammed in one of thousands of ways and you are imune to social media Algorithms that hit you with dopamine in ways that makes your brain want to vomit after some time using them, you might be able to find someone on there. i was and im looking forward to marry that guy! would probably never found the love of my life if i hadnt wasted 100+ hours in fucking planet romeo and grindr…
Edit: PS: i think Dating Apps are worse for your mental health than Porn, please dont get lost in there!
Haha so many people here getting 0 matches
For real. Matches have much less to do with appearance or age than they do with bad profiles, poor chatting skills, or unpleasant personality traits
How are matches related to chatting skills? you chat AFTER your match.
Ok, 0 matches or striking out early
Enough has been said about the dating apps, so I feel it’s OK to remark on something else:
separated from my wife of 31 years - just earlier this month. Honestly, I’m already feeling bored and lonely
Can you provide some more context here? On the face of it it makes you sound like being dependent on a woman to keep you company. Sorry if I misinterprete that. But shouldn’t you be rather busy with other things now - idk, moving, settling in, changing your life alround, finding new friends, recovering from the separation…
FWIW, my (now) 52yo brother and his wife found each other through a dating site/app almost 10 years ago. They seem to be doing well.
My wife and I have always been independent in our marriage. Our separation was simply a long, honest conversation followed by her moving into her own place. We’ll probably divorce at some point, but it’s not a priority for either of us. Lifestyle-wise, nothing has really changed for me. I’m not lacking company - just sexual and romantic companionship specifically.
Trying to think outside the box here, but maybe if she feels the same (and it sounds like you were both pretty mature about all this) you could join the local swinging scene together? Better and easier as a couple than as a single male.
Just be aware that in many areas if you aren’t divorced then sleeping with someone else is called infidelity. Judges tend to get pissed about that during divorce proceedings.
Have you ever done Speed Dating? Where you have 5 minute dates and if it goes well you arrange another?
It’s kinda like that, except it’s presented in the most shallow way possible and wrapped into a skinner box. The apps are so full of bots (usually scammers/phishers) that most of the matches you recieve will be fake. That’s means there’s a little dance with every new person you match with while you both figure out if you’re talking to a human or not. Beyond this, the apps are somewhat anonymous in a dangerous way. You don’t know if you’re meeting the person you say you are until they show up in front of you. Sometimes you match with someone and their personality isn’t what they say it is.
They’re fine, probably just about the worst way to meet someone as a long term partner. I’ve had good luck with hookups on dating apps, but I’ve had the WORST luck actually dating on them.
Edit: Autocorrupt changed Dance to Dangerous
We’re gonna find out.
6 months ago, I’d say yes. No matches at all. But I’ve worked out a lot in those 6 months, and I got better clothes, more comfortable haircuts, new glasses.
Imma have my brother get some photos.
I was recently told by several women that I really shouldn’t have a hard time as long as I don’t take selfies. I make good money, I’m 6’0", I’m white (apparently matters more than I would hope), I got blue eyes, and I have muscle. Im attractive at first glance.
They said I don’t need a perfect anything as long as it looks like I put effort in to appearing good. It’s something about effort and confidence being more attractive than being Henry Cavill. But I also have to learn to stay to my values and not just fall for the first hot woman I get a match with.
You can be an extremely hot man but if you can’t converse better than “idk lol” and never ask any relevant questions, you’re unlikely to have a good time. People like when potential matches are interested in them.
Your message I’m replying to seems fine, so that’s promising.
Yes.
To be honest, learn who you are before going on an app or trying to engage for a partner.
You’ve been together (in perception, at least) a long time and you’re still that married person and it will take time to remember who you are without that other person, regardless of whether you were a functioning couple or two people in the same house.
The loneliness is just the transition sinking in.
I’m a couple years older than you.
They’re pretty bad but you can get lucky. I had a long-ish relationship come out of them. I’ve had a ton of long term flirts that came out of them. It’s fun and nice to flirt with people slowly and every once in a while for like 5+ years lol.
That being said, I’ve been off them for a year. I prefer to meet people in real life when that’s a possibility.
A lot of negative comments. I went through a divorce last year (male, mid 40s), and used dating apps when I was ready to start meeting people. I was apprehensive going in but ended up shocked by how positive the results were. After a week or two I would have several matches and pause searching while I talked with those and planned in-person meetings. Most profiles you’ll never get a reply. Of those you match again, half likely never respond to initial introductions / questions. But, if you live in a major metro area there’s still plenty of people looking for relationships if you’re willing to filter through that. I’m now happily in a relationship for the past few months so I’ve stopped using these apps.
I tried 3: eHarmony, hinge, and bumble. Here’s my feedback from best to worse.
Hinge: encourages discussion as an initial match prompt. I met the most people on this app and many matches led to in person dates. Met the person I’m currently dating seriously on here.
Bumble: costs money to send a comment / question, free to “just swipe”. Kept showing me profiles for people currently within my search distance, but who have listed another major city as their home (I guess they’re connecting through the airport and on the app?). Went on multiple dates with matches, fewer than hinge.
eHarmony: where I originally met my previous wife ~20 years ago. Now had the fewest matches and worst experience (and highest cost). I stopped checking this one after about a month. Went on only 1 date.
Feedback from my matches about the app: many men are using it to find people to cheat with / aren’t serious about a relationship. All of them told me actually holding a conversation on the app put me in the “top tier” of their matches. Many shared that matches just gave super short answers then asked for a phone number. Several noted that half the time they shared a number they almost immediately received dick pics. Multiple said matches tried to get them into crypto (?!?!).
For me (busy work schedule, and still spend half my time with kids) the experience was far better than any dates friends or co workers suggested. The profiles are not super deep… Yes everyone loves live music, travel, and The Office. I wanted to connect over something more specific than that. At least the people you match with are also looking for a relationship. Meeting people through my hobbies at 40+ most are in long term relationships or not interested in starting one. The apps are largely superficial… Half the first dates I went on one or both of us decided not to have a second date. Which is honestly expected… Even after filtering through the profiles and messaging in app you still only know the basics for most people.
For you specifically: many matches took issue with the recent timing of my divorce. If you’re separated (not divorced) expect that to be a deal breaker for many.
